The Covered Bond Report will be changing its name to The Report next week after a leading UK investor told the European Covered Bond Council plenary yesterday (Thursday): “There’s no such thing as a covered bond.”

The comment caused disarray at the meeting and undermined industry efforts, supported by the European Central Bank, to come to a “label” for covered bonds. The investor, who asked to remain nameless, said this was all well and good but asked what exactly they would be labelling.

"The original nihilation of all the figures which appear and are swallowed up in the total neutrality of a ground is the necessary condition for the appearance of the principle figure"

The question rendered delegates speechless. The vdp’s Sascha Kullig was reduced to explaining post-insolvency Pfandbrief procedures through mime. Leading US legal mind Scott Stengel descended into a philosophical funk and went off in search of the bourbon he’d been promised.

Meanwhile, SG’s Ralf Grossmann and the ECBC’s Luca Bertalot were last seen disappearing down Google’s rankings in search of the Council’s new but suddenly keyword-free website. The ECB’s Michel Stubbe had to leave early after receiving a call from President Jean-Claude Trichet asking just what exactly he’d spent Eu60bn on.

However, Moody’s analyst Nicholas Lindstrom took the investor to task, saying: “B2 or not B2: that is the question.”

The ECBC meeting was brought to an abrupt halt when, unable to cope with two elephants in the same room (the other being the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation) Swedbank’s headquarters collapsed under the gravity of the situation.